I desperately wanted someone, yet my fantasies brought my standards so high, and I judged so thoroughly on first sight, that no one seemed good enough. No, too fat. No, too tanned. Too hairy. Too tall. Watch for an erection… nope, too small. It didnt help that girls are expected to be practically sexless. Were not supposed to want sex, were supposed to use it. Were not supposed to be attracted to a male body, maleness is supposed to be an ugly and silly thing that we tolerate for its usefulness. Knowing that I didnt feel this way, and being encouraged to think I was alone in it, did wonders to isolate me from my own sex for fear of its judgment, and to make even just experiencing lust seem so taboo that it was made all the stronger. So, with a boiling sex drive I wasnt supposed to have, and very specific tastes that seemed unmeetable, I was almost convinced that I was somehow broken on both levels and that I would go on like this, desperate for the impossible, through the rest of my. I think for a bit you were closer to him than anyone except Trudy. He was so nice to you." Not all the time. Dad, do you remember when I felt he was taking over my life, and I felt as if I was being owned by him?" Yes, I remember that. Why?" Remember how you said to counter the feeling? I followed your suggestion and closed my eyes, just reading what he was saying with my fingertip. He said some awful nasty things to me. I didn't want to bother you with what he was saying. It seemed as if I was being hypnotized. If I closed my eyes, I could understand what he was saying. If I had them open and looked at the TV or computer, it was as if I had to follow his direction. I wasn't going to visit him anymore after we got home from here." I didn't realize this. You should have told me." I couldn't. You two have been friends for so long. I couldn't break you up." Nola, you must remember, you come first in everything, before anyone." Even Peggy?" Yes even before Peggy." I wouldn't want that,.
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